I've Decided To Run Away

…Well, sort of.

In my last post, I talked a little bit about my constantly searching, insatiable soul—now I am going to PONTIFICATE on it (I hope I’m kidding)!

Now that my first race has come and past, I’m feeling a little empty…particularly at the gym. I don’t have a goal to chase or a deadline to meet, which means my workouts no longer have that same sense of unwavering direction and focus. I head to the gym, and for the first time in months, I have options. I guess that could be a good thing for most people, but for me, options attract far too much potential for undertraining. Unless I have a goal in mind, I tend to sell myself short on my workouts and, frankly, give into my fatigue, frustration, and more often than not, my boredom much quicker.

Right now, it feels rather unsatisfying to walk into the gym and not really have a sense of needing to get stuff done. I’m bored, so I putz around for a while, undedicated to my card, and end the workout feeling oddly frustrated with myself.

…I’m starting to think I’m a little hard to please.

Nevertheless, itchy feet must keep on the move. And so I’ve decided on a new goal. But first, let’s get a little back story (it’s more dramatic this way):

Since I was a wee little whale, flailing around on solid ground, I have had what you could call a “bad relationship” with running. As you know, I was a bigger kid growing up. I also happened to be a bigger kid involved in a lot of sports teams. And do you know what you do on teams? YOU RUN FOR THE SAKE OF EVERYTHING! You run for the play of the game, you run for conditioning, and—more often than not—you run because we girls were simply too chatty during practice, and if we had air to talk, it meant we must have air to run.

The problem was, due to my…errrr…husky….build, I was not a fast runner. I struggled through warm-up laps and suffered during sprints. I was very predictably the last kid to cross the finish line in any group run. Subsequently, two things happened. The first is that I very much grew to envy those spry, nimble little pre-pubescent gazelles. The second is that I started to absolutely hate running.

Everything about it reeked of limitations. Finishing last reminded me of my own inadequacy. Seeing the lean, fast kids reminded me of my undesirable body composition and how it affected my performance.  Feeling the burn in my lungs reminded me not to push past the discomfort.  There was no release in it, only punishment.

So I decided on logic. On efficiency. I decided to cut my losses. After all, if I can’t excel at something, why do it? I could be better at other things, if not running. I could understand the sport so well that I didn’t need to be fast because I could predict the play and get where I needed to go earlier than most! I could be such a great teammate that the other kids wouldn’t notice or make fun of me for being slow! And so, running became something to avoid, and if that wasn’t possible, it was something to suffer through.

Of course, at the time, I didn’t realize that this attempt at self-preservation actually ended up being a free subscription to years of self-limitation.

I know. I’ve got issues.

So, I’ve decided on therapy. On facing my fears, my self-imposed limits. On accepting who I am, both past and present. On pushing myself to be better. After all, what better way to make peace than to learn to love your enemy?

And so, I’ve decided to learn to run.

I don’t have a set distance or time in mind. This one is more for the journey than the finish line, and frankly, I just want to learn not to hate running so damn much! After consulting with some seasoned runners and doing some research on my own, I’ve selected a running plan that’s geared toward the individual’s goal, rather than a set distance. It’s a four week plan that utilizes intervals to develop endurance. If you are interested in the full details, you can check them out HERE, but this is the overall layout for week 1:

• Running Plan: 3 minute warm up; Run 2 min, walk 2 min; Repeat 7 times (28 minutes total); 3 minute cool down.
• Frequency: 3-4 times per week 
• Off-days: Focus on strength card (I’ll be getting a new one this Friday, which should help ward off any boredom on those days) 

Needless to say, this will prove to be a big challenge for me, both mentally and physically. I don’t think I’ve ever run one mile without stopping to beg for mercy catch my breath before, just to give you a frame of reference. I am really looking forward to charting my progress over the next few weeks—I really don’t know what to expect, how I’ll feel, or if I’ll fall madly in love (I hope I do). Regardless, at least I will be able to say I tackled some of my demons. And I am hoping that will be good enough for me.

Onward!